I will reach my goal weight!

There is an extra special sense of shame when you “fall of the wagon” during a weight loss journey.

My absence has been exactly that: I have been embarrassed of my misstep.

I do not really know what happened, if I am being honest. One day I was doing fine and the next day I was eating a large chicken nugget meal from McDonalds.

I told myself, and all of you, that I would write when temptation hit. The problem for me was that it wasn’t really an issue of temptation, it was impulse.

Then you try to tell yourself that it won’t happen again and that you’ll be good moving forward, but you’re not. You get sucked back, you get stuck.

The emotional battle is what kept me down this time. I was so angry and frustrated with myself for letting this happen again. It gets to the point where you look at yourself in the mirror and there’s nothing positive left to say–you simply put yourself down even further.

What has had me the most upset is that I already went through this. I spent a year of my life highly dedicated to weight loss–and I did it. I was so close to my goal and I sabotaged it. It eats away at me to know I am starting all over.

Then two days ago something happened. I stood in front of the mirror and just looked at myself. This. This is me. I am the only one in the world who can make this image change. I am the only one who can make this a positive view. It’s all up to me. It’s always been up to me.

And I knew it was time. It has been time, but this felt natural. It was almost as though looking into the mirror gave me clarity; my emotional and physical sides were finally on the same page.

So I started. I exercised for an hour the first day. I drank 16 cups of water. I was awesome with my food, until I binged at night. I was ashamed, but I didn’t hide. Yesterday I exercised for two hours, drank 16 cups of water, and ate what I was supposed to. I’m hoping extra exercise each day will help my overall weekly loss, despite that binge.

I can’t promise that I’m going to be some big inspiration to you guys, but I can promise that I will eventually reach my goal weight.

This is definitely roughest journey that I have ever started on…and I cannot wait until the day that I reach my destination.

-Jamie

The unfortunate cake binge

There is no way to not feel ashamed about what happened last night. I was doing so well all day and I felt really good about my healthy food choices. Then dinner went all wrong.

I guess if I am being honest the day felt completely out of control. I had no time to turn around and it seemed like a wasted day. It was already way past when we were supposed to eat dinner and I was pretty disgusted.

What I should have done was created a blog post. I should have told you guys that cravings and disgust were hitting me hard and I thought I was going to binge. It would have helped, I know it. And yet instead I tried to ignore the cravings and the disgust. I went ahead and started making dinner.

Dinner was sad. Not emotionally, but physically sad. I forgot to make the vegetable and so it was a small helping of rice and chicken. I didn’t realize that I had forgotten the vegetable until I was already a portion of the way through my meal. Then I figured it was too late. After I was done my fiance was giving me those puppy dog eyes and asked where all of his food went (yep, he’s hilarious). He got a bowl of ice cream and I had a choice. I could either binge out on unhealthy junk food or I could try to make myself full by eating another “dinner”. I went ahead and made some veggies and a second piece of chicken. It was delicious and I was full.

If that is how the night ended then I would have been absolutely fine. Instead? Instead the night dragged on when my dog (my beloved baby) Balto decided that poop needed to go all over his body instead of neatly on the grass. …Balto got a bath last night. Oh, and we needed to run to the store to get a new leash because somehow I wasn’t paying attention when he started to go and he pooped all over the leash. It wouldn’t have been bad if I realized this, but I didn’t. I realized it when we got home and it was already deep into the leash. The leash was destroyed. Sigh! So hours passed and I was more disgusted.

Once again I should have stopped, took a deep breath, and wrote a blog post explaining my disgust. Instead? Instead I purchased a decent slice of cake when we went to get Balto’s new leash. I then ate said cake with about a cup of delicious chocolate milk. Bad? Yep. I mean, delicious… but so so bad.

This is not a proud moment for me. I also didn’t get in any exercise. Yesterday was the definition of a diet, weight loss, and healthy lifestyle failure. But I’m still here. I know that was awful and I am going to fix it. It might take a bunch of those kinds of nights before one night I put my foot down and write a post. It’s so hard to remember to write instead of binging/giving into temptation and disgust.

I know that I am moving in the right direction though. Before, I would have been too ashamed to write a post like this. It’s not a huge step, but it’s something. And a bunch of tiny somethings typically work together to create a big something; that’s what I’m working towards.

Here’s to a better (and certainly less bingey) day!
-x-Jamie

Busy Monday for this motivated loser!

Alright motivated losers, I am going to do my best to make this a quick post. It is going to be a very busy day.

I am feeling much better and more importantly much more positive than I was feeling yesterday. The fiance and I ended up going grocery shopping last night (instead of waiting until Wednesday) so that I could start us on our healthier diet today instead of Thursday. That is probably why I am feeling much better; the wait is finally over.

I should mention that we had pizza and salads last night. The one thing that I wanted before we started was Chinese food and the one thing that he wanted before we started was pizza. Therefore we ordered a pizza and two salads from our favorite place. That was our food yesterday for both lunch and dinner, which in my opinion is not as awful as it could have been. … Yet it was still a pretty unhealthy (yet a very delicious meal).

I am just excited to have a food plan to follow for the day. As I’ve mentioned before, our schedule is a bit different than most people. It is 3:00 in the afternoon and I just finished my breakfast. I was trying to come up with a good time frame for our breakfast, morning snack, lunch, dinner, and dessert. I think I came up with something decent (3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 11pm, 1am); however, it might be a little hard to stick to today. Why? Well, Tuesdays are our busiest days here. I have to work for five hours with my freelancing job and then we have to head on down to our basement to work on my fiance’s stuff for a handful of hours.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but my fiance is the owner of DND Vapor, which is a company that creates absolutely yummy, inexpensive, and flavorful e-liquid for electronic cigarettes. So if you vape and want to try some to-die for e-juice then go ahead and check out his website: DNDVAPOR.COM.

Now that I have clearly advertised his company :p let me get back to my day. After we do that I have to get some writing in for a few different clients (more freelancing stuff). It is a little more than a normal work day after everything is said and done. I have no complaints about it, since I do not have to physically leave my home, but I just need to make sure that I get in some exercise and stay on track today — regardless of how busy of a day it seems.

I am also going to have to find the time to fill you guys in on how everything went today. I will be doing this before bed; yep, no ifs, ands, or buts.

With that, I’m going to go ahead and get started on everything. I am feeling good and I hope to keep this positivism throughout the week. I hope you are all having a marvelous Monday!
-x-Jamie

It’s one of those negative nancy diet days

I am having one of those “I could not possibly look any worse than I do today” kind of days.

Chinese food

I am not really sure why I am having one of those kind of negative days. I thought that it might be because I allowed myself to overeat Chinese food last night. I don’t feel very guilty about it because it was only one meal and it won’t happen everyday (also because I wanted to eat my favorite food before trying to cut out those foods from my diet; not because of weight loss, but because that stuff is awful for my body). With that being said I now am battling some pretty hostile negativity.

It could be because I didn’t sleep very well last night, which if I am being honest is probably because the food did not agree with me. You would think I would learn not to eat this stuff: it makes me feel absolutely terrible! Regardless, it’s going to be one of those days.

It would really interest me to know whether or not all of this grumpy, negative, not great feeling me is because of bad food (and lack of sleep because of bad food). These are just perfect examples of why I really cannot wait until it is grocery shopping day so that I can start treating my body better by providing it with healthier fuel.

4-27-2015

As it stands I treat my body pretty terribly and it definitely makes sure to constantly remind me of it. I am so ready to feel good about myself and to feel healthy. I am having a hard time knowing that for a little while I was able to feel that.

Today is one of those days where I seem like a lost cause. Normally I would follow this up with a binge of awful food to try to comfort myself. Not this time. This time I am going to ride it out and accept where I am. I told you guys that I would be honest and I apologize if this is post is a downer. This is a journey and a battle, a physical and mental battle. Today it is more of a mental battle, but as long as I stay on track I’m setting myself up for a better tomorrow. That’s all I really want. If you think about it – once I reach that point all of my “todays” will be just as good as my “tomorrows”.

You guys are amazing. This journey is not always pretty, but I thank you for sticking with me for the ride. Despite my negative mood telling me otherwise, I can do this: We can do this.

 

-x-Jamie

 

 

 

Light bulb: Healthy first and thin second

MyFoodPlate

I had quite a busy day yesterday motivated losers!

It was a longer work day, which meant a lot less free time for me. I wanted to write a post before I went to sleep last night. As you already know I did not end up doing that. What did I do instead, you ask? I ended up doing a bunch of research on what I should be eating to ensure a more balanced diet.

The fiance and I have been feeling pretty crappy lately. We knew that our food choices were poor and that our bodies were not getting what they needed. I don’t think we really understood just how much our food choices influenced how we feel. With that being said we definitely reached a breaking point when we both got sick after eating fatty, greasy, and awful for you foods. After that we both decided that it was time to change our eating habits.

We both want to live long and healthy lives (don’t we all?). We are both slight hypochondriacs, in that every time there is something wrong we think that it is the end. Well, when you eat such awful foods — your body tends to feel like crap most of the time and thus the hypochondria thrives. We are hoping to eliminate the crappy/sluggish feelings which in turn will ease any anxiety and demolish our hypochondriac ways.

The other huge benefit about finally eating right is the weight loss aspect. I think that I have been looking at everything in the wrong light. I should be healthy first and thin second. I have been trying to do everything in my power to lose weight — but sometimes that doesn’t always include being healthy. Let me give you an example: Eating a bunch of fruit calories is NOT the same thing for my body as eating the same amount of calories in food from McDonald’s. My body is going to thank me if I make the switch to healthier calories; this I am sure of.

And so I spent much longer than I had originally planned looking at the Choose My Plate (the new food pyramid) information. I then crafted a daily meal plan that I can live with that will get me as close to the recommended servings of everything for my calorie intake. I had to do some estimating, as I was using the 1600 calorie plan to create a 1200-1300 calorie plan; however, I believe that this new meal plan that I have developed for myself is balanced. I then did the same thing for my fiance. We are going to be eating about the same things: The only real difference is that I had to play with his servings to ensure that he is getting enough calories to maintain/have a tiny loss.

I feel pretty good about this new outlook that seemed to snap into place overnight. I really want to lose weight (a lot of it), but I really want to do it right this time and really really really keep it off long term: I want to be at my goal weight for forever. In order to do it right I need to think of weight loss as a secondary goal and becoming a healthier person as my main goal.

I am sure that I am going to have to alter my meal plan if I find that I am not losing as much as I think that I can safely lose; however, I am not going to get bent out of shape if I am only losing a tiny bit.

My conclusion on this is finally: any loss is a loss and will get me to my goal. I will reach my goal without a doubt, but it’s staying at my goal for life that is the challenge.

And so I challenge you guys to take a look at how you are currently going about your weight loss. Consider making small changes in your diet to ensure that you are eating in a way that is going to keep your body (especially your heart) healthy. Trust me, your body is going to thank you and you’ll feel a million and one times better when you finally have that beach body you’re working towards.

And now I am finally going to go and enjoy this beautiful day! I hope you all do the same. Let’s get ready for another healthy and fabulous week, motivated losers!
-x-Jamie

 

Weekly weigh-in: 4.8 pounds gone!

The results for my weekly weigh-in are in! The first week (starting weight) I weighed a whopping 257.3 pounds. I am now at….*drum roll*…..

The Motivated Loser Weigh-In - Week 2

I now weigh 252.5 pounds. I lost 4.8 pounds this week guys! I am one happy lady right now.

I am hoping that I can keep this rate going. As I mentioned yesterday, I am beyond impressed with myself. It’s one of those things where everything seems a bit…too good to be true..and you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. And yet… no shoes…it’s just the work that I am putting into it.

I mean, let’s be honest, it is rather easy to lose weight when you go from eating thousands and thousands of calories every meal to even overeating. I have a pretty good hunch that I would still lose weight if I ate awfully once or twice throughout the week — simply because I was doing this every single day for the past year. Now, now, don’t worry about me; I’m not planning on doing this. I’m just saying that this decent loss for the week makes complete sense and there is absolutely no reason why a bunch of this weight won’t continue to feel like it is melting off of me.

The first goal that I have for this week is to exercise at least twice for 30 minutes each. I know that this does not sound like a lot. Actually, I really really understand that this doesn’t sound like a lot. When I lost 90 pounds the first time around I was on the elliptical for hours and hours (we’re talking upwards of 5 hours) each and every day. With that being said I am trying to focus more on my diet and learning how to eat so that I can sustain my goal weight once I reach it. Therefore if I can slowly incorporate exercise into my day then that’ll be fantastic.

The second goal that I have for this week is to try to eat more throughout the day so that I am not eating three 100 calorie packs of snacks at night. I am one of those people who is desperately addicted to sweets (specifically chocolate). I know that if I tried to end this addiction that I would end up binging out on everything…and we don’t want that. Therefore I let myself have something each night for dessert as long as it fits into my day. Well, this past week I have been having to eat more at night so that I can reach a minimum of 1,200 calories. I never feel like eating any kind of real food that late and so I simply pop open a few of those snack packs and I’m good to go. This is clearly not very healthy and I do really want to cut the cord on my addiction to the stuff – so this really isn’t helping me overall. My plan is to map out all of my food for the day before I start to eat and this way I have no reason to be eating more than 2 (we’ll start there and cut out just one for now) snacks at night.

Overall I think that this was a pretty successful first week. I have a good handle on where I am right now and what I need to work towards. I’ve really missed that absolute “high” you get when you are stepping on the scale each week and seeing a good weight loss. It gives you this spark and motivation that you can’t really get from anything else.

Being a motivated loser has never felt so good!
-x-Jamie

 

My floppy thighs and flabby arms sang to me tonight

Hi motivated losers!

I am so ready for my weigh in tomorrow! I am really hoping for a decent weight loss, especially since this was one hectic week.

I know, I know…this post is super late. I usually post when I first get up, but I had to run around and before I knew it the whole day had gotten away from me. I am doing very well again today though!

The Motivated Loser Food Pictures - Day 4

I had a can of tuna, two slices of bread, and a string cheese for breakfast. I then had a small salad and some Special K popped delights for lunch.

It is about 9:30 and I have not eaten dinner yet. My schedule has been a bit interesting of late. My fiancé and I are kinda (okay, definitely) night owls. We end up sleeping around five in the morning and get up around noon. I am hoping to change this schedule so that we are more like normal people 😉

Dinner tonight is going to be grilled chicken and some cheesy veggies. I might add some crackers or something in there so that I am getting enough calories for the day.

Ya know, that is a problem that I never thought I would have: needing to actually eat more calories because I have not eaten enough. This is something that has been happening recently and I must say…I really like it. It is nice to not realize that I have consumed three days worth of calories in ten minutes. I’m impressed with the progress that I am making.

More importantly I am impressed that I don’t feel like I’m dieting. For example, last night my fiancé bought ice cream. It was some kind of double dark chocolate stuff, I’m talking pure deliciousness here. If this was before then I would have simply had a huge bowl and then would have felt guilty later. Instead? Instead I had a tiny spoonful to taste it and that was that. I’m so impressed.

Uh I should mention that I have been wanting to eat Parsnip Pete. Yep. That would be a rather large chocolate bunny that my parents purchased us for Easter. So, now I have decided that I don’t need to throw him away- that I can just control myself (yay, will-power). Well motivated losers, I came very close to eating him earlier. It wasn’t my fault, I could simply hear him singing “eat me, I’m delicious”.

But then my thighs started singing about needing to be able to wear shorts and my flabby arms sang a solo about being able to look hot in a strapless dress …and ya know I was able to let Pete keep on living. …..It’s been one of those silly days.

It is now over an hour since I started this post (I was doing a bit of work here and a bit of work there) and I am finally able to go and eat dinner. As long as I stay on track for the rest of the night, this is what my food diary should end up looking like:

The Motivated Loser Food Logs - Day 4

I hope you have all had a fantastic Thursday. For anyone else who has a weigh-in tomorrow….good luck! I’m sure you have stayed on track this week and are going to show the scale who is boss tomorrow!

We’ve got this!
-x-Jamie